youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
