Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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