I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
