i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's shark week go big or go home
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
