Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
