It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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