The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
