The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
