Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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