I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
