oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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