so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
