All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
