Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
