He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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