My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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