I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
