R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
