I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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