When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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