I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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