..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
