I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
