there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
