yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
