my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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