i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
