No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
