Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
