I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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