best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
