he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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