I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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