i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
