Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
areolas are like halos for boobs.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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