she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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