I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
