just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
