he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
