sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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