Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize