Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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