Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
