Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
