Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
