I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
