i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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