hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
