just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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