Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
