All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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