So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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