We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There's always time for handjobs
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
