Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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