Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
