If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
