you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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