Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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