So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
