im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize