My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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