Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
