dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I smell stomach acid.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
